I’ve been absent in this little blog world of mine.  I was fighting the flu, which was one of the absolute worse I’ve ever had- being sick and preggo is not a fun combination and I swear it’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever experience.   I don’t have the luxury of staying home for long periods of time with pay, so imagine fighting the flu pregnant, not able to take any sort of medication other than Ricola, no sleep and still manage to go to work.  Yeah, life is not fun for those 3 weeks.  I felt like crying all the time from the frustration.

Speaking of which, that brings me to today’s blog.   In addition to being sick, I haven’t been feeling fulfilled at work; not being challenged enough, used to the best of my potential, feeling respected enough in my position, etc.  I accepted this position thinking my work would be more geared towards one thing and much less of another, but there are days when I am stuck doing mindless work I have no interest in doing.   I have worked hard in my career to get to where I am and to feel like I am not doing the work I am meant to do is feeling like taking a step back in life.  There are days when work is just too hard to deal with.  I’m used to being more senior and now I feel like I’m starting from the bottom.  After months of this, it takes a toll on you.  Luckily, I only have 2 months left…

Then there’s the worry about money.  I’m a contractor, which means I don’t have any benefits from going on sick days or maternity leave.  If you don’t work, you don’t get paid- really terrible.   Although my BD assures me he can support the family while I go on my leave, I have a hard time with feeling so helpless with contributing to the family finances.  Then again, I know I’m about to have a baby and that on it’s own is a big contribution, but I’ve been independent my whole life and it’s not easy to let go.  I think I have issues from a past relationship where my ex would use money as power over me to control me- “he who makes the money, rules the household” (it eventually led to our break up, because I ended up making more than he did and he lost his job).  My BD is nothing like him and I know I have nothing to worry about, but there’s always that lingering feeling that I can’t shake off.  I always feel like I need to do better.

Fast forward to the future and it’s been 3 months after my baby is born… I now need to go back to work and I worry about who will be watching my infant or where I’d be working… it’s a lot to think about and I am so afraid of making the wrong decisions and feel like a horrible mom.   I have this strong desire to be the best mom ever (who doesn’t?) but I have a fear of failing to be present enough in her life or trusting the right person to care of her while mommy and daddy are at work.   I get anxiety.

Recently, I thought I was going to buy  a house… THE house… the most perfect house to raise my daughter in a great neighborhood with great schools around. That made me feel like I was taking a step in the right direction of ensuring I could provide for my baby and future children, but unfortunately the seller pulled back due to a family emergency (I do wish them well), however, just like that, my dream disappeared and I am back to feeling anxiety with the job I have no passion for.

My wonderful BD is supportive and will do anything to make me happy, but when I tell him I’m sad, he takes it too personal and thinks it’s because of him, but the truth is without him, I wouldn’t be able to wake up in the mornings.   He’s my rock and #1 supporter and I have a hard time explaining to him how I feel without making him feel like  he’s not enough or he’s fallen short.   I can be a very vocal and expressive person, but since mommy brain has kicked in, it’s been hard to get the words out.

Then there’s my kids (my four-legged kids).  Pole-lar, my 16 yo Pom (in June) is showing more weakness in his bones and he’s not eating as much as he used to or being as active as he used to.  Tynker, my 14 yo Yorkie, sleeps all day and her cancer tumor grows bigger and bigger.  I worry about them so much and everyday I tell them they are going to live forever and that they need to pull through so they can meet their human sister.  I fear for their ultimate passing and it scares me that I’ll be so depressed and fall short of mommy duties.  Lastly, Osiris, my 9 yo Dal mix.   He has a problem with jealousy and I worry he’ll pee all over the baby’s things or will act up, because he’s no longer the baby of the family.  There’s just far too much going on in my head.

I took the day off work today.   I feel depressed in a sense.   I’m feeling overwhelmed with things I need to do and the things I need to plan for on top of disappointment and feelings of inadequacy.  Everything around me is feeling like it’s beginning to be too much.  I worry a lot and things don’t affect me the way it would if I wasn’t pregnant- well, I wouldn’t have the same problems per se, but it’s more of the extra hormones.

I don’t know what to do sometimes and I hold it in- I try to be strong about it and let it ride another day, but now I think I just need a break today.   I just need some alone time to relax, calm down and take things slowly…