It’s been a very long year and a half since my last post and I have been missing the sounds of my keys tapping more than I realized.  The silence is most certainly not a sign of uneventfulness, but rather it’s been too eventful that it cost me free time to sit, think and write.  The latest and greatest is the announcement of my baby son’s arrive in April 2020.   This journey did not come easy.  Get ready folks, this is going to be a “2 glasses of wine” length of reading- maybe even a couple tissues (for myself anyway).

While this is certainly a time to be celebrating, I am still too early in my term to “be in the clear”.  You see, most people celebrate once the first trimester is done, but while I am so relieved to have completed those first 12 weeks, I have had unsuccessful pregnancies after Aria… yes, “pregnancies”.  Plural.  2 to be exact.

In May 2018, I found out I was pregnant and decided to give my husband an early Father’s Day gift.  The still recall my reveal to him… took a bracelet box and placed the positive First Response stick in it, wrapped it up nicely and placed it in a gift bag along with other little clues; baby Minnie and Mickey and a couple other small “baby” items.  I recorded him and his reaction as he unraveled each gift (clueless as the what the hints were leading up to the big finale).  When he finally saw the positive stick, we were all laughs and smiles.  It was a great time for us.

The odd thing about the pregnancy it that I didn’t feel pregnant.  It was far too easy compared to my daughter’s.  I remember when I was using the restroom and saw tints of light pink on the napkin, but I didn’t think much of it since it was just the slightest pink hue.  Needless to say when I came in for my first trimester prenatal visit in June there was no baby.  I cried, of course, but my emotional recovery from the loss was easier than I thought it would be and I believe it was from the absence of feeling pregnant- there was no connection like I had with my daughter.

Now the hormonal recovery is another thing.  I needed to take Misoprostol to force the miscarriage out and the cramps that come with it are the same as labor contractions.  This lasted a couple hours and with the help of some pain meds (which I ended up taking at the height of the contraction pain), the intense pain became easier to manage.  As my body recovered and began its healing process, the hormones started to make me go through a different stage of healing I was not ready for.

It was a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from relief (that I told myself the baby had genetic issues, so it was for the best), sadness (that it was regardless, a baby, my baby), confusion (why was this egg bad?  What made it a genetic problem?) and anger (did I do something?  Did I have an extra drink early in the pregnancy that caused this miscarriage?).  When I finally got my period back, I started to feel “myself” again about a month later in August/September.

This pregnancy was kept quiet, so very little people knew about it- maybe less than a handful.

Fast forward to November 2018 and I am pregnant again.  This time, we were hosting a big Friendsgiving dinner and had no choice but to announce the pregnancy since… well, I’m a drinker and it’s very suspicious for me to reject a drink.  I hid the previous pregnancy and miscarriage from everyone, so this was the first they knew of.  The Holidays were fun and we seemed happy.  I felt pregnant, but unbeknownst to people, we were hiding the truth of a high risk pregnancy.

I started to feel cramping early in the pregnancy at around 6 weeks.  At this time, since it was too early in, finding a baby and heartbeat through a vaginal ultrasound would be challenging.  As expected, we didn’t see anything and so begins the next 4 weeks of weekly ultrasounds and bi-weekly blood work.  We visited the hospital 3 times a week for 4 weeks straight desperately hoping this pregnancy would be viable.  Every 2-3 days my blood work would come back with elevated hormone levels just as a healthy pregnancy should show, but every ultrasound would deliver contradictory results.  Each test lab result gave us hope just for us to be crushed when the ultrasound showed no heartbeat.

By the 9th week of pregnancy, we saw a glimmer of hope when a second sac appeared with a small little black dot that resembled another possible baby.  Again, our hearts were filled with hope and excitement at the slight chance of either 2 babies or just one.  Unfortunately, by week 10 there was still no heartbeat and the black dot in the 2nd sac was gone.  It’s now January 2019 and even with the increases to the hormone levels, we had no choice but to call it.  It was the toughest call we ever had to make and the worse way to start the new year.  The emotional and mental strain we felt over those last 4 weeks was nothing compared to anything we would feel over the next couple months.

Again, I had to take Miso pill to begin the cleansing process, only this time, the pain was more severe than the first and I had to take an extra dose of pain meds- which, I forgot to mention I am extremely sensitive to.  Even with the Zolfran, I spent the next day vomiting- literally every 15 minutes for at least 4 hours.  A friend of mine got to witness 4 hours of this.

My mental and emotional state was shot.  I was extremely depressed from the hormonal changes and disappointment that I became isolated.  I submerged myself in work to dismiss the pain and drew myself away from everyone, including my family.  My husband secretly blamed me and I secretly blamed him for the loss.  For the first time in our relationship, we became distant from one another and suffered quietly, no longer a strong unit that could conquer anything.  This brought me down in a deeper depression.

I can recall the point where I was so heartbroken that I became suicidal.  This was a very low point for me.  The fact that I was already a mother to a beautiful 19-20 month old girl and felt this way caused me to go into a crazier downward spiral.  How could I be so selfish?  How could I focus so much on a loss of a baby when I had a perfectly happy and healthy one next to me?   How could I let this moment ruin my marriage?  Let me tell you something… depression is a mother fucker.  It’s hard to be logical when you are so overwhelmed with sadness and not to mention uncontrollable hormones. I tried to talk to my husband about my feelings, but just couldn’t relate or understand.

I had such bad thoughts of how, where and when I would do it.  What kind of letter I would write, how I would spend my final days, who I would make an effort to see one last time… sometimes it was random and I would think “I could just crash this car right now and it would be over so fast”.

Imagine suffering this way with no support at home and trying to seek comfort from friends, but also not getting it.   I was so hurt when people were saying “miscarriages are more common than you think”.  As if that was supposed to make me feel better?   This was the most insensitive thing that I could have heard and when I tried to explain why this loss was so much harder- considering this was my 2nd in 6 months and the rollercoaster of emotions of hope of a vital life, the hormones, the depression- no one seemed to understand or tried to understand.  It was so emotionally painful and it took me down such a dark hole.  I still cry when remembering the place I was in.

I often thought about seeking professional help, but I ended up pouring what was left of myself into my work.   I ended up excelling, but at the cost of my relationship with my husband and daughter.   I was easily working 12- 14 hour days with little interaction between the two.  It was not my proudest mommy moment, but I was too overwhelmed with depression to be a good mom to her (let alone a good wife)- you can’t possibly understand how much of a terrible person I felt inside.  My little girl would come in my office just to say “hi” or to get a hug from me and I would snap and send her away.  There’s so much regret and anger I feel toward myself for this.  Every time I think back about it, I’d hate myself and til this day, I can’t forgive myself for treating her that way.  I cried in my office a lot.  I knew my priorities were off, but it was the only way I could cope and deal with not dealing.

Fast forward to August 2019 and I am finally starting to feel better and by September, I was back to my ever loving happy self.  We took a trip to Hawaii to unwind and reconnect as a family and that was truly the best thing we could have done for each other… but then something happened in August… something that I believe helped me get better again emotionally and that was hope.   I found out I was pregnant again…

This pregnancy does not come without its own set of challenges, but for now, I am 5 months along and taking things day-by-day and treating each passing day as a blessing.  I made a promise to myself that I would not allow the stresses of 2019 impact me the same way again.  This is why I have been making a bigger effort to reduce the BS in my life to focus only on positivity and make sure I don’t ever lose sight on my ultimate goal to be happy in life with the 2 (soon to be 3) people in my life.

 

I’ve been absent in this little blog world of mine.  I was fighting the flu, which was one of the absolute worse I’ve ever had- being sick and preggo is not a fun combination and I swear it’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever experience.   I don’t have the luxury of staying home for long periods of time with pay, so imagine fighting the flu pregnant, not able to take any sort of medication other than Ricola, no sleep and still manage to go to work.  Yeah, life is not fun for those 3 weeks.  I felt like crying all the time from the frustration.

Speaking of which, that brings me to today’s blog.   In addition to being sick, I haven’t been feeling fulfilled at work; not being challenged enough, used to the best of my potential, feeling respected enough in my position, etc.  I accepted this position thinking my work would be more geared towards one thing and much less of another, but there are days when I am stuck doing mindless work I have no interest in doing.   I have worked hard in my career to get to where I am and to feel like I am not doing the work I am meant to do is feeling like taking a step back in life.  There are days when work is just too hard to deal with.  I’m used to being more senior and now I feel like I’m starting from the bottom.  After months of this, it takes a toll on you.  Luckily, I only have 2 months left…

Then there’s the worry about money.  I’m a contractor, which means I don’t have any benefits from going on sick days or maternity leave.  If you don’t work, you don’t get paid- really terrible.   Although my BD assures me he can support the family while I go on my leave, I have a hard time with feeling so helpless with contributing to the family finances.  Then again, I know I’m about to have a baby and that on it’s own is a big contribution, but I’ve been independent my whole life and it’s not easy to let go.  I think I have issues from a past relationship where my ex would use money as power over me to control me- “he who makes the money, rules the household” (it eventually led to our break up, because I ended up making more than he did and he lost his job).  My BD is nothing like him and I know I have nothing to worry about, but there’s always that lingering feeling that I can’t shake off.  I always feel like I need to do better.

Fast forward to the future and it’s been 3 months after my baby is born… I now need to go back to work and I worry about who will be watching my infant or where I’d be working… it’s a lot to think about and I am so afraid of making the wrong decisions and feel like a horrible mom.   I have this strong desire to be the best mom ever (who doesn’t?) but I have a fear of failing to be present enough in her life or trusting the right person to care of her while mommy and daddy are at work.   I get anxiety.

Recently, I thought I was going to buy  a house… THE house… the most perfect house to raise my daughter in a great neighborhood with great schools around. That made me feel like I was taking a step in the right direction of ensuring I could provide for my baby and future children, but unfortunately the seller pulled back due to a family emergency (I do wish them well), however, just like that, my dream disappeared and I am back to feeling anxiety with the job I have no passion for.

My wonderful BD is supportive and will do anything to make me happy, but when I tell him I’m sad, he takes it too personal and thinks it’s because of him, but the truth is without him, I wouldn’t be able to wake up in the mornings.   He’s my rock and #1 supporter and I have a hard time explaining to him how I feel without making him feel like  he’s not enough or he’s fallen short.   I can be a very vocal and expressive person, but since mommy brain has kicked in, it’s been hard to get the words out.

Then there’s my kids (my four-legged kids).  Pole-lar, my 16 yo Pom (in June) is showing more weakness in his bones and he’s not eating as much as he used to or being as active as he used to.  Tynker, my 14 yo Yorkie, sleeps all day and her cancer tumor grows bigger and bigger.  I worry about them so much and everyday I tell them they are going to live forever and that they need to pull through so they can meet their human sister.  I fear for their ultimate passing and it scares me that I’ll be so depressed and fall short of mommy duties.  Lastly, Osiris, my 9 yo Dal mix.   He has a problem with jealousy and I worry he’ll pee all over the baby’s things or will act up, because he’s no longer the baby of the family.  There’s just far too much going on in my head.

I took the day off work today.   I feel depressed in a sense.   I’m feeling overwhelmed with things I need to do and the things I need to plan for on top of disappointment and feelings of inadequacy.  Everything around me is feeling like it’s beginning to be too much.  I worry a lot and things don’t affect me the way it would if I wasn’t pregnant- well, I wouldn’t have the same problems per se, but it’s more of the extra hormones.

I don’t know what to do sometimes and I hold it in- I try to be strong about it and let it ride another day, but now I think I just need a break today.   I just need some alone time to relax, calm down and take things slowly…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s take a quick break from all this pregnancy talk and spend some time on the dreadful topic of politics.  Now, I don’t want to get into the discussion about politics itself, but rather the people who feel so passionately about their political and personal beliefs.  What I’d like all of you to do is shut.the.fuck.up.

Now I am all for people expressing their opinions and views regarding this “sham of a presidential election” as we “welcome” our new President, Donald Trump, but I have never seen such a display of hatred and simple-minded, no, forceful-minded one-sidedness.

Listen, you have the right to believe whatever you want.  When I say it, I mean it.  I may not agree with you, but I won’t chastise you and drag you through the public mud to humiliate and belittle you. I have seen some appalling displays coming from self-proclaimed wholesome, peaceful, people-loving, tree hugging, “we must respect all of the universes’ humans and animals” lying ass fraud-frauders, whom force other people to either agree with their beliefs surrounding their hatred for Mr. Trump or risk being made an example of why they are what’s wrong with America.

I’m not saying I’m a supporter of our new President, but I am a fan of him becoming a successful president for our sake… for the sake of the nation.   To wish the president to fail, is like wishing the pilot of your airplane to fail with you and everyone you love on the plane.   C’mon people, the guy was elected and now runs the country.   I’m not saying you need to support him as a person, but instead of rioting, bullying and causing so much ruckus in the world, let the guy have a chance to make the right decisions.  I recall a time where everyone was picketing and marching against the all-of-a-sudden most beloved president, Obama!

What irks me so damned much are the people who talk shit and disrespect other people so badly and call their names out on Social Media to embarrass them for invoking the same constitutional rights of Freedom of Speech.   If you, as a passionate believer of your own beliefs, can preach about freedom of speech and democracy, yet publicly humiliate your own friends on social media for not believing in what you believe in, telling them to keep their mouths shut, that their own beliefs (which are opposite of yours) are wrong, then you, my dear, are what’s wrong with America.   Please don’t talk about “love thy neighbors” when your fine print reads “so long as your views are the same as mine”.   Practice what you preach and shut.the.fuck.up.

Oh, and I had this one lady is her 60’s or so, post a hateful remark about how the First Lady is not worthy because of all of her plastic surgery, when this 60 year old posted a video of her dancing in a bikini top exposing her augmented breast.   *scoff*  Seriously, please shut.the.fuck.up.  I know she’s not the First Lady, but don’t be calling the kettle black, Mrs. Pots.   So again… shut.the.fuck.up.

I haven’t been able to blog as much as I wanted to this week, but this pregnancy has been a little hard these past several days.   I know everyone is different and my girlfriends, who were pregnant before me, had gestational diabetes, but even so, most of them didn’t really talk too much about it- anyway, I have been getting dizzy from time to time over the course of the last several weeks, but it wasn’t until this week, that it was followed by headaches and I felt like passing out.

I did some research on this before when I first started getting the spins and it mentioned I could have low blood pressure or low blood sugar.  I just assumed that since most of my blood was pumping straight to the baby, it would last for a short while and I’d bounce back once s/he is able to start producing their own.  Plus, I made sure to have some sweet treats here and there to keep my blood sugar up.

***Oh, and ladies, if you ever experience lightheadedness, try not to bend down/over to pick something up.  You will lose your balance and feel like falling right where you stand.  Get someone to help you.  I know my BD always tells me to ask him for help, but sometimes you forget and you can be sure you’ll get a rude ass reminder every time you do it.***

Let me tell you, on Thursday night at 7pm, I experienced severe headaches complimenting my dizziness and I felt like fainting.  I ate some dinner with bread to help ease the feeling, but it was not getting any better, so I brushed it off as lack of rest and decided to sleep early.  When I woke up at 5am, I still had the spins and the headache.   This was the worse feeling ever!  I had to call in sick and made an appointment to see my doctor.

It turns out, my blood pressure is low 96/58 and my glucose (though within range) was on the boarder of being low.   For some reason, I also lost interest in food in the last week.  This was probably due to the dizziness, which in turn, worsened when I didn’t stay nourished.  My doctor insisted my vitals were okay enough (that it was normal for the blood pressure to drop during the 2nd trimester) and what I was experiencing was more of a reaction to the pregnancy, but she heeded me to snack often.

I’m feeling better today, but one thing people sure don’t tell you about is the extreme side of dizziness caused by pregnancy.  I’m not sure what my little Pikachu is up to, but I sure hope s/he understands that they’re not helping themselves if they get mommy sick.  Just saying.

What first gave me the idea that I might be pregnant was my swollen boobs followed by the immense pain that went with it.

When I would wake up from a night’s sleep, I swear it felt like there was a 15 pound plate on my chest.   I recall talking to a girlfriend who got her breast augmented and she told me the feeling after surgery was as if there was a bus on her chest and she had a hard time getting up.  Well, the pain wasn’t quite a bus, but maybe one of those Volkswagen beetle cars.

Anyway, the swelling and pain happened about 2 weeks before my next cycle (which unbeknownst to me, I was already almost 3 weeks preggo) and I thought from all the stress  I was experiencing, my cycle was off.  I remember telling my BD (baby daddy) and he jokingly suggested that I was pregnant.  I knew this wasn’t the case, since I’m unable to conceive (or so I thought), so I insisted that I knew my body and I was just getting my period early and the symptoms came early as well.  Granted, I usually don’t feel that much pain, but the swelling was normal.

A week later the pain persisted and I was now starting to get annoyed that I still haven’t gotten my period.  Again, my BD told me I might be preggo.   I brushed it off and for kicks, I took a test I had laying around at home.  Oh and if that 1 test wasn’t convincing enough, I went to the store and bought 2 more tests.   I won’t get into long details, but I went through the five stages of grieving (though it wasn’t grief I was feeling, just the stages):

• Denial- With spouts of denial laughter.  I swear I felt like I was crazy
• Anger- I was angry it happened to me at the time that it did- super new relationship, in between jobs and looking for a new place to live since I just moved out of my previous place
• Bargaining- Oh god, let this be true and please let this baby stay conceived and be born healthy.  I promise to give back to the Universe.
• Depression- How am I going to tell everyone about this?  No one is going to understand and who will be supportive?  I didn’t think I would get the supportive happy reaction I wanted since the BD and I were so new to the relationship department despite of our history.
• Acceptance- It took me like 4 whole weeks to accept I was pregnant.

Okay, so I’m pregnant and holy moly my boobs did not and still do not make this pregnancy enjoyable.   What triggered me to write this blog is the excruciating pain from my right nipple that I am currently experiencing.   Some times it’s the left and sometimes it’s the right, but the pain is all the same.  Imagine, if you will, someone biting the heck out of it and if you’re into that kinky S&M stuff, let me tell you, there is NOTHING enjoyable about it!

The pain comes and goes and you are tempted to rub it to soothe the pain, but just be aware of your surroundings, because I have been absent minded to try and soothe it from the comfort of my cube at work.  Eek.

I HIGHLY recommend you switch over to maternity bras if you are busty-ish like I am (C/D cup).  The moment you take off your Victoria’s Secret bra and your breasts fall, it feels like your boobs weigh 20lbs each and oh-my-pain from gravity!  I even wear a maternity sleep bra to help ease the morning and middle-of-the-night pain.  Even my BD tells me how heavy they feel when he cups them.

Ladies, I tell you, there is no shame to the maternity bra game.  Do what you need to support those girls.  Anything padded, push-up or wire is going to make you very uncomfortable, but then again, this is just my experience.  Let ’em flap and free fall if that makes you happy… as for me,  I’m not taking any chances on my milk producers.  haha.

 

As much as I’d love to just jump right into my “rant of the day”, I feel like I should offer a little background as to what got me to where I am today…

• Girl mets guy and they become friends
• Fastforward 16 years later, girl breaks up with previous guy and reconnects with guy friend after 5-6 years of no contact to have a catch-up dinner
• 2 days later, girl and guy fall in love and 3 weeks later, girl is pregnant

Are we all caught up now?    Great.  As the entries get published, more will be revealed to tell the story of “in between the lines”.

So… here I am.  Almost 13 weeks pregnant with my first child at 33 and him at 39.   My how times have changed and people tend to give birth at an older age.   For me, though, getting pregnant was something I thought could/ would never happen.  You see, when I was in my early 20’s I had an abnormal pap which then triggered a cancer scare.  Since then, I have been regularly screened to ensure there were no more mutated cells in my cervix.

I’ve been suffering with issues in my uterus ever since.  This is probably unrelated to the pap, but nonetheless, I had annual trips to the ER due to the fibrosis and cysts.  Fun times.

I was married once upon and time and my ex-husband (it’s been almost 3 years since the divorce) and I tried for years to conceive, but it was so difficult.  I knew it would be a challenge, but we opted to try and try again.. year after year.   Well, it’s been 6+ years since we started trying and I was never able to see that + sign on a pregnancy test.   How I was able to become pregnant now is something is short of a miracle.   I’m a believer of fate (only in the last few years, though) and I firmly believe things are meant to be when they are meant to be.  Let’s just say thank god I didn’t have anyone else’s demon seed (stories to follow).

This year, I was anticipating my annual trip to the ER- which seems to always happen in the September/ October time frame (weird) and as I sat wondering when I would need to go and whom I could call upon to take me, the darnedest thing happened… I ended up getting pregnant instead.

How I ended up getting pregnant was another miracle.   It was right before my menstrual cycle (like 3 days prior and I still ended up bleeding that month) and kids, the pull out method does not work.  Pre-cum is a real thing and it can really get you pregnant.   Listen to what I tell you.  I’m walking/ growing proof.  lol

This is now my life… sitting on my comfy couch with the man I’m meant to be with, watching football next to me.  I’ve always envisioned what my blog would sound like and I can tell you from the experiences I’ve gone through in the first 3 months, pregnancy is NOT all glows, cute bumps and happy hormones.  Oh no.  There is a dark unglamorous side to this whole thing that NO ONE tells you about.   You can guarantee I’m going to give it to you real.  I’m not going to sugar coat anything, because really, not every thing I experienced with pleasant.

My first post will be published soon!   =o)